22 Years Around The Earth.

Last Friday I turned 22, needless to say, this year it was a very different birthday - one that I could never have imagined I’d be experiencing so soon. As I sat and appreciated all of the birthday wishes and happier past times that came flooding in, I was overcome with a very bittersweet feeling. A feeling of wanting to celebrate and appreciate the 22 years of life I have been blessed with and all that my 21st year on Earth graced me with - the experiences, opportunities, soul connections, relationships, memories, and footsteps I’ve taken towards living out my purpose. I’m grateful for it all, and I celebrate it daily. But at the same time, I wanted it all to pause. It felt impossible to celebrate when the passing of my dad is still so raw. Each time a smile touched my lips I was hit with pangs of guilt and sadness so deep my stomach churned. It’s a physical feeling and felt emotion that I never even anticipated I would be writing about, ever.

Blowing out the candles this year, my only wish was one that I knew deep down would never be granted, yet the child that is still very much alive within me clings to every ounce of hope that it may just come true. That, maybe, when I wake tomorrow morning, this really is all one big nightmare and I’ll wake up to my dad's laugh rippling through the walls and his hug that makes everything ok.  

Bittersweet. Bittersweet. Bittersweet.

And so, although I am cautious to admit these ever-running thoughts, I slowly and safely release the angst I’ve felt about my birthday this month to the pages before me. I scribble and write about wishing that time would slow down, pause, and most of all rewind. And perhaps the day may never come, maybe the real learning here is all about embracing a new paradigm - one that feels difficult and uncomfortable at first, but that takes us to new levels of growth and acceptance.

Yet through self-practice, meditation, and purpose, I come to honour how this year feels different to me. It feels different because I’m now navigating the world without my father, and that has changed everything for me. When I close my eyes, surrender to the heaviness of my heart and connect to that which is greater than me (The Universe, Source, God, Higher Power, gut, intuition, Spirit - whatever you want to call it), I come to honour how my heart is shifting and healing even in the wilderness. My inner-strength, which at times feels non-existent, carries me, even with fears of loss and deeply embedded grief, because I have something that makes every reminder of being alive so, so worth it: my purpose to bring light to the world and those who need it most.

My purpose to be of service in this world, to help guide people back to the light, has and continues to cradle me and hold space for my becoming of who I was always meant to be. And although it’s painful to experience and wearying to stand witness to heartfelt ties fading with the wind, I trust the love I held and continue to hold for my dad never will fade. I take comfort in knowing that he knew just how loved he was in this lifetime, and how loved he still is. I continue to birth his light and legacy in this world, even when this heartache still feels so raw and unbearable.

For in this season of life, I trust that I am rising. Some days I may feel as if I am falling under the waves of grief and depression, yet my trust in the hopeful unknown has gifted me more peace than I could have ever imagined in my abounding and unfailing daydreams.

And so, on my birthday this year, I am choosing to let the waves of grief and emotion come and go, instead of resisting them and placing pressure on myself to feel or celebrate in a certain way. I’m choosing to show thanks and gratitude to my dad, who despite no longer being here, is still with me in every way and has given me this life to live and this vessel, this heart, this soul to be of deep service in the world.

On each and every birthday to come, I pray that reading back over these words will bring comfort to my soul. As a reminder of the grace that exists within me, that in times when I am in need of a reminder of something greater than myself to hold onto when the earth trembles restlessly beneath my feet, I will feel supported. I trust that each time my strength wavers, I can find strength in this reminder of my connection to my purpose and the people I have been blessed to cross paths with, but most of all the life I shared with my soul mate, my dad.

The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness ~ John Muir