Your Legacy Lives On. Your Light Still Shines.
For as long as I can remember, the word ‘lose’ has always sent shivers rippling down my spine. Especially when I thought about it in terms of losing you. It was my biggest fear. My worst nightmare. As a child, I remember sitting in my room, holding my Winnie The Pooh teddy tightly as it masked the sounds of my sobs. I cried in fear of you dying, curled up and clutching Winnie’s threadbare nose like a pillow, wetting the cotton with tears and saliva.
As I grew older and time did its thing of passing us by far too fast, this fear never diminished. It was always there, in my psyche, however close or far apart we were. There was always this lingering fear that my worst nightmare would be made real. I would envision the worst, my survival mechanism, fight, or flight mode always taking over. The times when you were late home from work, when I’d not heard from you in a long while, sometimes I even just had this sixth sense that you were not ok. I’d go into lockdown. The panic would start subconsciously but as minutes passed it would manifest physically. I’d get myself so worked up, to then be overcome with consolation when I heard you walk through the front door. You would explain that you had simply been held up or that XYZ had happened, but that you were perfectly ok. Looking back now, I think sometimes you didn’t quite understand and thought I was over-reacting. Nevertheless, you put your arms around me, held me close, and whispered in my ear “you never need to worry about me, honey”. You wiped away my tears and I felt the fear wash out of my body, only to be replaced by love, comfort, and relief that my dad was back home safe.
My fear of losing you only grew stronger the older I became. Our relationship, father-daughter connection, was indescribable in words. It was a bond you could only feel, but even then, it exceeded the average person’s ability to feel. It was beyond skin-deep like we were connected on a soul level. You always told me I was wise beyond my years. I intuitively knew when you were down or lost when the weight of life was bearing heavily on your heart. You didn’t even have to tell me, for I just knew. I could feel your pain. I was honoured to be the one to listen and hold space when you needed to speak about your aching heart or needed reassurance that you were loved. I would always write to you, everything from handwritten letters to sticky notes stuck in the most bizarre of places, reminding you of the light and beauty of your soul. I captured the smiles that brushed across your face as you would catch sight of these, they’re stored in my heart.
To be without our bond, left without your earthly presence and the warmth of your soul, quite frankly, petrified me.
To lose somebody or something is to imply loss, to say that they are no longer a part of you, that they’ve gone, or that you can no longer find them - physically, or spiritually inside your heart. But when you lose someone, when they pass on from this life to the next, when you are reminded, once again, that our time on this earth is impermanent, it is not a loss.
Because these people, these pets, these memories, these parts of our lives that we’ve loved still live within us. They still have a special place in our hearts, no matter the time or distance or pain in watching their souls leave their temporary bodies.
The ones we lose are never really gone.
You’re not gone, Dad. You’re still here, in my heart, where you will stay.
It’s been a week since your beautiful soul went to join the angels. A week since my greatest fear and worst nightmare became my reality. There was nothing in this world that could have prepared me for this pain. But I promise you, your light has not dimmed one bit. Your legacy is spreading widely across the entire country. If only you could see how many people’s lives you had touched far and wide. I know you would hate this attention, but you’re going to have to suck it up (haha sorry, Dad!). If there’s one thing that I’m taking from this living hell, as you would too, it’s to share your light with others going through darkness; to help, heal, support, and save.
To those grieving right now, whether it’s the passing of a human being or pet, the loss of a past relationship, friendship, or even an era of your life, I want you to know that you are not alone in this.
But amid this darkness, know that who/whatever you are grieving, is not gone. This grief that you feel shapes the way we continue to live, continue to love, continue to heal in the wake of their passing. Their impact guides our decisions, our choices, our emotions. Their memories provide us happiness in our darkness, and strength in our tiredness.
The way they lived teaches us how to act, even when they are no longer beside us. We hear them in our heads before we make any kind of decision. We feel their presence as we take pride in our greatest accomplishments. We are reminded of their love as we hold hands with another, as we hug, kiss, and fall into human emotion and passion.
They will forever live in us - in how we think, act, love, live, and laugh. They teach us, they give us strength, they keep us grounded when we lose ourselves in this beautiful mess called Life.
The ones we love and lose don't leave us. They don't fade. They don't just disappear into the fabric of our pasts: they are intricately woven in, permanently and beautifully.
And so, if you are missing someone right now, if you are feeling empty by the grief-sized hole in your heart, if you are reeling a life change, from trying to navigate a world without this special one in it - know that they are not permanently gone.
Know that they live within you, in your mind, your memory, and most importantly, your heart.
And know that they won’t leave. Their life won’t cease to have meaning. And they haven’t abandoned you. They are with you when you jump channels on the radio and your favorite song comes on. They are with you when you catch sight of that bright, vibrant rainbow painted across the sky. They are with you when you feel the sun kiss your skin. They are with you when a warmth creeps into your belly for no reason at all, just making you feel happy and alive. They are with you when you can barely lift your tired head, or open your broken heart again.
They are with you, even when they can’t be physically.
Because their strength and care lives within the tunnels, the veins, the arteries, the muscles and organs of your heart and body. And their love forever lives in your heart.
I miss you, Daddy. But I know you are here, in energy and spirit.
Sing, dance, whistle, and run with the angels. Your Legacy Lives On. Your Light Still Shines.
By no means will this be an easy journey to find the light amid the darkness, how can it, I've lost my only hero and best friend. But I do know that the endless support, kindness, and generous donations from those around us during this difficult time will keep us all going and make my dad proud that awareness is being raised to fight the stigma against mental health. If you feel called to support me, I am raising funds and awareness of the UK mental health charity, Mind.
You can visit my dad’s JustGiving page here.
